First off I would like to apologize. I haven’t been the best at reading all of my wonderful friends blogs lately. I also have been terrible at commenting due to the fact that it rarely works. Drives me crazy! The reason I haven’t been reading a lot of blogs is due to the fact that it most of it depresses me. I feel like I am doing good keeping my mind on tract and staying positive until I read such great things about babies and families and then I feel like I fall a million miles below the surface. Below the ground in my dark place. I don’t want to be there.
I have tried to stay clear of babies period. Every so often it helps a lot by just holding a baby in my arms. It just does something for me. Babies are just miraculous and they bring me joy. But hearing of how people love how their children love their new baby brother or sister it kills me. I want nothing more for Tegan to be a big brother. He has started talking about it, about how he would love a baby. I hate that I can not give that to him right now. I hate that I can not do that for our family.
So I apologize for the way I have been. I apologize for how I have checked out. All I need is a friend right now. Some people have extended a hand while others have told me to get over it. Obviously those people have no clue what it is like to be broken.
These feelings usually stay clear until that one time during the month. When my emotions are high and I know why. It is when my body welcomes Aunt Flow. Though she is not welcome here. I would rather not see her for 9 months. Maybe if I posted a ‘Not Welcome’ sign my body would get the clue and she would stay clear.
Until then please try to understand. Please understand how I feel. Understand how it may feel like you want something so bad in this world but you have no control over the results.
Naomi, you are not broken by any means at all! Although I have no idea how exactly you feel I do know how it feels to not be in control, how to not be able to change the way things are. I read this quote a few months back and a few words always stand out to me.....this is but a moment in time.....a moment in eternity. God doesn't give us what we want he gives us what noone else can handle. I could never be in your shoes but I am always here to help you out (although I am sure that me being pregnant doesn't help you). You are strong and there is a bigger picture, you helped me see that. Stay strong, you are loved! And all those little babies in heaven are just waiting for the right time to come down and be yours! Love ya! Tessa
ReplyDeleteOh, girl. I haven't lived your exact path, but I do know the heartbreak of infertility..... There is no way around it - it sucks! It's awful. It's heartbreaking. I wouldn't wish it on my enemy. But there were a few things I picked up in the past 5 years.
ReplyDelete-It's okay to cry. Cry ALL you want at that time of the month. I can't tell you how many times I ended up on the bathroom floor crying, but it helps. It helps you get through the rest of the month :)
-Adam and I started looking at the blessings coming our way (whether it was the ability to sleep through the night with no babies crying or whether it was being able to travel more and see family) This changed us. Don't get me wrong, I still haven't been able to handle baby showers (I figured I knew my limits and there was NO reason I needed to put my self in that situation).
- We also started to realize we would have children in SOME way eventually. Whether we had to go through a million procedures, adopt a sweet little baby, or steal one :)jk. Some way it would happen. It's NEVER on OUR timeline, but there is always hope...
- Patiently find answers. I know that's easier said than done (and it took us 4 years to find out what was wrong), but it was SO therapeutic for me once I FINALLY knew.... Ours was a case of the egg and sperm not attaching. Random and SUPER unusual, but once we found out we only had a 1% chance of ever having a child on our own it was like a weight lifted. No more monthly disappointments. I knew WHY it was happening. I figured God was a God of science too, and we were NOT going to become pregnant on our own scientifically.
I'm SO sorry you are dealing with all this. I SUPER sorry you have to read this novel, but I hope in SOME way it can help. You are amazing and don't ever doubt that :)