Clique’s

Clique's why do they exist? Because women are self-conscious. And why is that? Because they always think they have to be better. They always think that people look down on them. They think they are not good enough. They get comfortable around women that they know. Women that they can ‘trust’. But do you really trust them?

I myself have never been in a ‘Clique’. Never have been, never will. Why you ask? I like to have many friends. I like to meet new women, new people. I like to learn of new things. And how to trust. If you never put your trust in someone how will you know what it means? How will you know what it means if your trust has never been tested?

I have found that in Utah women care too much of what others think. They don’t think they are funny enough. They don’t think they are skinny enough. They don’t think they are good parents. Why as LDS women or any women from any faith do that to themselves.

I know that I am the best parent that I can be. And I strive to be better every day. I know I am not skinny but I am happy in my skin. I may not be hilarious but I can be sometimes. Is that not enough? We are all trying to get to the same place. So as women why don’t we support each other? Why don’t we lift each other up?

I am a Child of God. And he LOVES me! I know that and will know that forever. I live my day every day striving to be like him. Did Jesus have Clique’s? Pretty sure he didn’t. So why do women think they need that?

As a women I will always wonder these things.

Blogs

First off I would like to apologize. I haven’t been the best at reading all of my wonderful friends blogs lately. I also have been terrible at commenting due to the fact that it rarely works. Drives me crazy! The reason I haven’t been reading a lot of blogs is due to the fact that it most of it depresses me. I feel like I am doing good keeping my mind on tract and staying positive until I read such great things about babies and families and then I feel like I fall a million miles below the surface. Below the ground in my dark place. I don’t want to be there.

I have tried to stay clear of babies period. Every so often it helps a lot by just holding a baby in my arms. It just does something for me. Babies are just miraculous and they bring me joy. But hearing of how people love how their children love their new baby brother or sister it kills me. I want nothing more for Tegan to be a big brother. He has started talking about it, about how he would love a baby. I hate that I can not give that to him right now. I hate that I can not do that for our family.

So I apologize for the way I have been. I apologize for how I have checked out. All I need is a friend right now.  Some people have extended a hand while others have told me to get over it. Obviously those people have no clue what it is like to be broken.

These feelings usually stay clear until that one time during the month. When my emotions are high and I know why. It is when my body welcomes Aunt Flow. Though she is not welcome here. I would rather not see her for 9 months. Maybe if I posted a ‘Not Welcome’ sign my body would get the clue and she would stay clear.

Until then please try to understand. Please understand how I feel. Understand how it may feel like you want something so bad in this world but you have no control over the results.

80 year old back

I am only 24 years old and I feel like I have a back of a 80 year old. I have felt like that for years. I would very much appreciate it if it would stop costing me money, chiropractors just aren't in the budget right now. Maybe if I could afford a sleep number bed I wouldn't have this problem. Still costing me money!

See in high school I was diagnosed with Scoliosis. No wonder I was always in pain. Then they said that I was cured. Then I was in 3 car accidents. Now it is a whole different problem.

I don’t remember a day that my back didn’t hurt. It pretty much sucks! Who has the money to spend $15-$40 for each chiropractic appointment a few times a month. I certainly don’t. Most days I have just learned to grin and bear and other days I can barely move. Like today. It would really help if my husband could give some awesome back rubs but lets face it…he sucks. Sorry hon!  His idea of a back rub is hitting my back. Yep! Then I get mad cause that is not a rub. Then he starts poking. What? Yea that doesn’t feel good at all. Maybe if he learned to give some awesome back rubs I wouldn’t be in pain as often.

Well let’s face it I will prolly always be in pain, maybe it would just make it less noticeable.

Discipline

Tegan likes to pick at things. He likes to pick at stickers, paint, wallpaper, food, you name it. In our previous home he picked at a tiny hole in the wall in his bedroom. As he picked at it the paint disappeared around the area more every day until it was massive. Now as we are in another place he decided he wanted to try it again. There was a small area above the stairs that was missing a little paint due to moving furniture. What did Tegan do? He decided he needed to pick at it again. He has spent many times on the time-out stool. #1 for doing the act that I have told him multiple times not to do. and #2 for not cleaning up his mess. I have set the timer for him to clean it up and if it is not cleaned up then he sits in time-out. Then I try to get him to do it again.
Obviously this has become an endless cycle that I am very tired of. David today will try to patch the whole so Tegan will not be tempted since he just has to do it. I blame it on his OCD. Yes my child is 3 almost 3 1/2 and he is OCD has been for a long time. He definitely didn't get it from me.
So now I ask what should I do? The discipline isn't working and I am tired of looking at his mess since I refuse to pick it up. That just won't work in the discipline process.
I will gladly take any advice. Thank you!