Yes I fully aware of how long it has been since I have actually blogged. Life right now really is just so exciting and crazy that I just don't have time to blog. But really it's not that all exciting. I would like to think it is. I have been busy with work, trying hard to keep my house clean, trying to get sleep, playing with my little buddy, and trying to find time to actually see my husband. I think we have become strangers. That isn't a good thing for the baby making process. Yes I said it once again...we are trying. I really do hate that term though. Trying? How bout I am suffering through the process.
Today I was 3 days late. 3DAYS! Really? Why does my body do this to me? I decided that since I was 3 days late that I would have David pick up a pregnancy test. But without fail one hour later the signs started. Oh how I hate those signs. Every month after the signs begin I decide that I am going to sit on the couch and watch endless movies or tv shows on Netflix. Or on other months I decide to read about everyone others lovely lives through blogs and facebook. Why do I make myself suffer through that? I don't know. It sometimes makes me feel better to see how successful everyone else's lives are. Other times I just sit and cry about how I would like things to change here, with me. But the things that I would like to change are out of my control. I just keep trying to tell myself that the Lord knows what he is doing. But that doesn't make it easier. If I hear one more person say "It will happen when it happens" I think I might go crazy.
After trying for 10 months I really wonder if I should be a mother of just 1. I love my little Tegan bug and he makes me so happy. But I would love to see him be a big brother. A fantastic one at that. I just know that he will be awesome! Oh and how I would love to hold a baby in my arms and know that it is mine. Be thankful once again for Heavenly Father's little miracles. Cause I do know that if I do get pregnant it will be a miracle. To have a child would be another miracle.
I still find it astounding that I was able to get pregnant so quickly with Tegan. I had kind of always tried to prepare myself for infertility. I knew that it was a great possibility that I would have to suffer with it. I was shocked that I was able to conceive after only 3 months of "trying". And now that I am longing for another child I keep telling myself that I knew that this would happen. But there really is no way that you can prepare yourself for this time. I could bottle it all in and become depressed. Which in some ways I feel like I do. But I do talk about it. Prolly to the extreme that people are sick of me talking about it. Why would anyone want to listen to my struggles and trials when so many people are having successful times?
I know this is a trial. What am I going to learn from it? I know exactly what I will learn....Patience. I don't have any. Absolutely none. So I keep telling myself that this could be a good thing. And that is when I just laugh at myself cause then I start getting impatient again.
I should be grateful that I do have one child when so many can't even have one. Which I am so extremely grateful. But like every other man and women who long for a child I do the same.
So in my sadness I will sit here tonight...not think about how I should be cleaning the bathroom or vacuuming the floors...I will sit here and watch Glee, Raising Hope and Parenthood. I will laugh and maybe cry over a bowl of pomegranates and maybe a slice of cheesecake.
"Why would anyone want to listen to my struggles and trials when so many people are having successful times?"
ReplyDeleteEveryone struggles. Everyone has trials. When you read people's blogs that are successful, you need to remember that they are dealing with trials too...some people are just more private about what they're going through. If there's one thing that helps me through tough times, it's realizing that even with all the bad in my life, I am still blessed with a lot of good...it's just not as easy to recognize when things aren't how I want them to be.
Oh sweetie! I know how you feel - that doesn't make it feel better, but know you are not alone! It took a lot longer than I was prepared for me to get pregnant with my first. It makes me wonder how the next time will go when we start "trying" for the second. It's a heartbreaking process. Know that it is ok to be sad. It's ok to mourn the loss of momentary hope. But keep having faith and hope. I sincerely believe that we must be honest with our feelings and allow ourselves to feel it to heal from it and become stronger and more able to face the things we are going through. Your faith and positive outlook and hope will help in your process of conception - I truly believe that! Enjoy your pomegranate and cheesecake and shows! We all need a break from reality now and then!
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry! I don't know personally how it feels, but I've seen so many people suffer through infertility time and time again. It's a hard struggle and you're going through it beautifully! I won't tell you that it'll happen when it happens, just that you're on the right track believing that the Lord knows what He's doing. Not only does He know what He's doing overall, He knows what He's doing for you. He loves you and He sees what you're going through and blessings will come from going through the struggle. I know that we have different trials right now, but I have to say that to myself every once in a while and thought that you should know too. You're a fantastic mother and I know that you'd be a fantastic mom to any other kids who happen to come your way. Good luck!
ReplyDeleteOh hun, I really am so so sorry you are going through all of this. My heart just aches for you, I've always pictured you to have a little girl and I feel like it will still happen :) I know you might not want to hear this, but maybe that's just what our Heavenly Father wants you to learn is patience :). Goodness knows I struggle with it too. I know that trials are there for us to learn from, Heavenly Father loves us and what's us to learn so very many things, even if we have to learn them in the worst way. I really am sorry you have to go through it though, I can't imagine how hard it would be :(. Let me know if you need anything, even if it's just to talk and cry, I'm here for you, I love you! :)
ReplyDeleteNaomi every one has trials and this may be hard for you but Heavenly Father knows and loves you. You may want a baby right now but HE may want something else for you right now. Think of the big picture, that's what I have to do when I go through something hard. It all works out in the end..
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