Disclaimer: This post is not intended to be rude in any way. I am just curious as to what people think. Thanks for not leaving mean comments :)
I have debated on posting about this subject for a long time. I have wanted to ask people about their opinions and I think this is the best way.
My goal has always been to have each of my children 2 1/2 - 3 years apart. And yes at this rate it just isn't happening. And unfortunately I really do not have any control over that. Some people choose to have their children much closer. Like 18 months apart. I have always wondered why women do that. I have always thought it to be a little crazy. My reasoning to why I wanted my kids spaced out a little
#1 is due to the fact that the first child would hopefully be out of diapers and I wouldn't have to pay for 2 sets.
#2 I get very sick while pregnant. I throw up all day every day for 9 months.
#3 I was on bed rest for the last 8 wks of my pregnancy with Tegan. At the age of 2 1/2 they are a little more independent. They are more willing to help not only cause they want to help out in any way that they can but they also know what you are saying.
#4 I also don't want to be carrying 2 babies around. I still carry Tegan around at certain times and how can you carry around 2 kids. I really don't want to be stuck at home all day long because I just can't handle 2 kids so close in age by myself. I am not a home body and I would go crazy. At times things already get crazy enough around here. I just can't imagine having another child right now.
#5 I want to be able to be able to spend a little while with my children before another child comes along. I want to cherish the little moments
I have heard various reasons as to why people want to have their children close in age.
They just want to get it over with.
They want their kids to be best friends.
I have always wondered how people know that their kids will be best friends just cause they will be close in age. I know of many people who are close in age with their siblings and they are not best friends. They actually very much dislike each other even as adults. Me on the other hand there is 3 years that separate each sibling in my family. I am still great friends with my brother and sister.
I understand that some people do not plan to have their children close. That their baby is a surprise (but in all reality if you are having sex then you can get prego).
But most people that I know plan for it. Then I hear from them "I'm so tired","I just lay around all day while my children are playing". OR "Diapers are so expensive with 2 kids", etc.
For me it is very hard to hear these things from people.
So I just wasn't to say you planned for this. You must have thought everything through as to what would happen when you children would be close in age. Or do people not think about those things?
Again this post was not targeted at anyone. This is just my opinion. I am stating my curiosity. If you don't like it then you can choose to not read. I am okay with that.
Thanks again for not leaving rude comments because in no way was I being rude.
So I don't have any kids (obviously), BUT I actually have an opinion, so I'm sharing....actual mothers, please feel free to correct me if I'm wrong...
ReplyDeleteThe best answer to cure your curiosity is every person is different. Every child is different and every relationship is different.
There is no way you can determine whether or not your children will be best friends. I don't think age plays into that later in life. You see too many siblings who either hate or love each other. Age is not a common denominator in good relationships. BUT I think every person/couple knows when they are ready to have a kid, let alone a second or third. For example, I'm 25 and I am not ready for ONE kid...and I don't understand how others younger than me can be ready for one let alone two or three when I can't imagine one. BUT I realize that they are different, have experienced different things and will be able to handle some things better than me or differently than me at a different age than me.
The way I look at it is, whatever people's reasoning is, they know what they can handle and they know when they're ready to take on new challenges and experiences. And if it's an accident, than God obviously had a different plan for them than they did :) You will never understand WHY other people live the way they do, how they do it, etc. But if it works for them, then good on them! And if it's not something you would personally want or be able to handle, be grateful that it didn't happen to you! :)
There isn't a right or wrong way for EVERYONE as a whole, but there is a right or wrong way for each individual.
I think I "planned" on having my kids about 2 years apart or so. It seems close enough to where they can still grow up together but far enough that you're not feeling like you have twins going through the same "phases" at the same time! Haha.
ReplyDeleteMy brother and I though are 15 months apart (not planned). I love having him really close but I don't know how my mom did that?! Especially hearing the crazy stories of how chaotic he was (not me of course ;)..)
Babies can definitely be a surprise, even with the knowledge that sex may result in a baby..but I'm not going to boycott my sex life to erase the potential pregnancy scare! If I'm absolutely not ready for a baby I take every precaution necessary.
Anyhow, personaly I feel that any closer than 2 years apart isn't a bad thing, but our poor bodies probably need more time than we realize to heal completely and set things in order before adding everything that goes along with another baby.
There's my two cents!
Kirie and Kira I totally aggree with what you said. The thing that bugs me the most is when mothers complain. Complain that they can't go anywhere. Complain that they are so sick while prego with a baby running around. I know for each person it is different and what they can handle is different. If I had a girl first I might have had a 2nd child by now. Girls are different than boys, they are typically more mellow. So I think that is what bugs me more than anything. The fact that they don't think about everything that could happen or maybe they do and just don't care.
ReplyDeleteI can understand that - but in all fairness, everyone complains about things that happen that may be due to decisions that they have made. Life throws curveballs and we have bad days. I think people are entitled to complain sometimes. I do, you do it, everyone does it....and most of the things people complain about are things that are a direct result of decisions they have made. I complain ALL the time about how busy I am, how expensive everything is, but I'm the one that signed myself up for a full schedule of college classes while working 40 hours a week. I'm the one that bought a house and took on the financial responsibilities of being a homeowners...and I think I'm okay complaining about it once in a while when it gets a little rough :)
ReplyDeleteAll I'm saying, is maybe give them a break...we all complain about things we "shouldn't" complain about. Maybe our complaining irks others the way their complaining irks you, you know?
I was very sick while pregnant with Anna like you were with Tegan, and I never knew that would happen so before I got pregnant with her I might have thought it to be no big deal to be pregnant again not long after Anna,..but boy reality sets in fast when you're thinking of having another one and being sick like that with a little tyke running around puts a big HALT sign on hahah.
ReplyDeleteFor us it really just comes down to what is best for our own family, and having our kids closer together is best for us. More kids in the future might come closer or further, but it will depend on what the needs of our family are at that time when it comes.
ReplyDeleteI'm not concerned about the ways that it makes life harder for me so much as I am what my children need to learn from me and our family and the best way to make that happen. Diapers for two will pass and bring a new challenge... every age will have it's own challenges. I don't think having them further apart will make having children on the whole any easier, just different.
I alway wanted my kids 2-3 years apart but at the same time i wanted to be done by 30 for several reasons. 1. in my family we have a high risk disability rate the younger i am when i have kids that somewhat lowers chances. 2. i want to be able to teach my kids sports and play with them, the younger i am the easier it will be on my body to do that. 3. i want to finish my el ed degree and teach, but i don't want to do that while my kids are home. 4 i want to serve several missions with ryan. 5. i want to travel. 6. i want to be young enough to be able to play with my grand kids.
ReplyDeleteBut were not going to have them when were not ready. My first child comes first right now if i cant afford his food im not going to have another any time soon. but some people think they can afford it, then they get there and their husband looses a job, or like me you were scammed in the past and 3 years later they come back and say you owe 7 grand of money i did't use and i just had a baby the husband got in 2 accidents 1 was his fault totaled 2 cars and his job told him only 3 weeks left before layed off. all this within 2 months! life happens, we never expected this to happen,but it did. same happens in other families. our plans were thrown so far off. but Heavenly Father provides a way. The biggest thing is how you accept it, This is the first i have mentioned all this except the accident. People shouldnt complain about somethings. I think no matter how prepared we are for more kids, you never really will be because life happens. But they know what is best for their family. my cousin knew he needed to have another baby 2 months after they had their first but because he was still in school they didn't try she was on bc, and the got prego 1 mo later they knew they needed to soon, but not that soon.
i hope all that made sense
ReplyDeleteWell, to me, its pretty simple why different families grow at different rates. If you have rough pregnancies you probably arent in a huge rush to get pregnant again. Same reason why some moms choose to work and send their kids to daycare, its not something i would ever do but other families are different than mine. Priorities are different for different people.
ReplyDeleteIm totally a home body. I love providing a nice place for my husband and cooking him dinner each night. When I worked full time I couldnt wait to have babies and just take care of my house. Cuz it never got done when i was working all the time.
The reason why moms complain, is not always because they regret having that 2nd child so close in age. Everyone just complains a little.
Noah's mom taught him how to use the VCR at age 5 because she was sick and he's turned out pretty well. Honestly, I can understand spacing your kids out. Tegan has a lot of energy and I'd be reluctant to have a little kid running around while I'm large with child if I had an energetic toddler. Though I guess doing hard things is what life is all about, eh? I think you shouldn't worry until you start getting struck by lightening bolts. :)
ReplyDeleteI wanted them closer so that Sean wouldn't have to adjust to another kid - so he wouldn't remember anything different. But I like how it turned out with them being 2 years 4-ish months apart. We've had a lot of fun together and he's old enough to understand that he isn't being replaced and to express his needs. Being sick with him running around was fine; he knew something was different and acted out (still does sometimes) in reaction to it, but he's really good at entertaining himself. I was also lucky I was not as sick this time as I was last time. Bleh.
ReplyDeleteThen there's the whole this-isn't-what-i-signed-up-for thing when the second pregnancy is completely different from the first. Like when I got headaches - never bothered by those last time. I don't know what's worse - puking or headaches.
As far as kids liking or not liking each other, that is all personality based. And sometimes even the way they are parented. Whatevs. We pick our battles for the most part.
I think that every family is different as well! I think that heavenly father has a different plan for everyone and when it is right it is just right....I know lorin and I considered having two close together and although it felt right for him I didn't feel right about it....I was not ready to sacrifice my body(I was so sick with kennedy) or my precious time with my little girl! But I have many friends who already have two babies and they love it! I also agree that people have a right to complain. ....life is full of hard times and even though it is sometimes your fault that those hard times happen you still have a right to complain...I complain all of the time and 90 percent of the time it is my own fault! Babies are so special and when its right it will happen no matter what the timing is :)
ReplyDeleteyou've gotten some great feedback and i think the most important thing to remember is that every family's different. that's the great thing about this life. we all depend on each...really we do. Heavenly Father has a plan and will set it in motion when it's time. if that means that a family has a baby before they're ready then that's what's going to happen. maybe it's a trial that they need to go through, just like your trials that you go through.
ReplyDeleteas far as being sick & complaining...everybody complains and not one person better deny it. i get sick of hearing complaints but everyone gets sick of hearing mine too so oh well. i also think that our minds forget about being pregnant or something, know what i mean? i was sick the entire 9 months too, paid the chiropractor $90+ a week to fix my sciatic so that i could continue working & not be on bedrest from 4 1/2 months until delivery. it sucked. but i'd do it again in a heartbeat if that meant that i'd be able to have another baby in my arms. you forget just how bad it really REALLY is though...just a little. i think everyone thinks that they can handle it though & when it really happens, you're feeling pretty down. i blame it on all the extra hormones too :)
as for girls/boys first, i have a girl and she's a handful! i don't think it makes a difference. my child could run around all day and still not be tired enough for a nap. we go through it just about every day at the moment. she's full of spunk & a very dramatic child. every child's different. there's plenty of mellow boys & girls but still plenty of high-energy kids too.
lastly, for us, i can't see how we were able to afford the first child. with that, i have NO idea how we'll be able to afford a 2nd child but we still feel like this is the time to have a baby. brian got raises during my last pregnancy & hopefully something will work out again when i get pregnant next. we're trusting in the Lord at the moment & know that he'll provide a way for us to be taken care of. i wouldn't be having a baby right now if i didn't feel that feeling.
hope this all made sense & that you don't take this as offensive in any way because that's definitely NOT what i was meaning.
I did not read one other person's comment on here but I'm guilty...my kids will be 18 months apart and it was planned :)
ReplyDeleteWe wanted to have kids and be done with it. Not so they would be best friends but so they would grow up with eachother and have eachother. There is 8 years in between my older sister and I and I love her to death and 6 years between me and my little sister and we have never ever gotten along. Whether my kids are best friends or don't get along all the time they will always have eachother...to lean on, to play with, for support, whatever.
I personally dislike very very much those woman who complain about being a mother. My husband and I have had talks and still talk about how much work its going to be but its what we wanted. I personally think that the people who can't afford diapers and such should maybe not have children so close together but having two kids in diapers doesn't bother me one bit. And as far as the attention goes, I worry greatly about not spending as much time with my newborn when she comes because I'll be with Champ. I'm not worried a bit about leaving the house with two kids either because I've thought all of that through. Had I thought that I could not do it we most likely would have waited awhile longer but we are completely confident about having two under two and we're actually pretty thrilled :)
I agree with a lot of what you said. And you're right when you say age won't make your kids like or nis-like one another. I like to think that it will but I know it won't, I think it has to do how they are raised and how close their family unit is. I could NOT have children closer than 2 years apart. I thought we were going to have our kids 2 years apart and then we had our first baby and everything changed. I actually hate being pregnant. I seriously hate everything about it, besides the fact that you can feel the baby kick and move around, that part is awesome. Anyway, because I hate being pregnant (and now I know what to expect) and now that I have a child and see how much time and energy he needs from me, we have decided to wait a bit longer. Gap shouldn't matter to the children. It should come down to what the parents feel like and what they can handle. I love being home with my little man, but on the same hand I couldn't stay home with him every single day!!! I work 2 days a week and that is perfect for our family. A healthy and happy mom = a healthy and happy home. I can't wait to have another baby but I know my time will come when things will aline just right for me and CJ. It's not the quantity of kids that count, it's the quality! I want my kids to well mannered and HAPPY children, and if that means I need to have a bigger gab between kids, then that is what will happen.
ReplyDeleteHey, just catching up on your blog, so chances are no one will even see this, but I thought I'd get in my two cents. My brother and I are 4 1/2 years apart and, while we never fought a ton, we were never really friends either. That might have been different if we were both the same gender, but we weren't. Then again, my sisters are the same space apart and they fight like cats and dogs, so maybe not. My parents didn't do that on purpose, they didn't really have a choice in the matter. I have the opposite problem. If I touch my husband without protection I get pregnant! ;) My first two kids are 17 months apart, which I kind of like. McKenzie never got used to being an only child, so adding more kids has never been a shock to her. The boys are all 27 months apart, which we've done on purpose. I love that spacing. They're old enough to want to help, but normally not old enough that they're too mad about the baby. We'll see how Jack does this time though. I think for my first two kids it was fine to have them close together, but I would never do it again because the work multiplies exponentially with each kid and I just can't handle that plus the close age. I think every family is different. If it was purely up to my husband and he didn't believe in personal revelation, we would probably only have two kids total. As it is, we know how our family's basically supposed to turn out and we're grateful that we have that faith. I think each person needs to judge their sanity level after each child and see how they feel about the next one. I don't think even for one couple that there's a magic number. Sometimes you have to go with what feels right for that specific situation.
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