A What?

Well as you may know from my last post, last month was a total waste. Took Clomid and it didn’t work. It won’t ever work by itself. So the plan was for this month to pair it with some injections. I was kinda scared and nervous. Yesterday I had another ultrasound. Well during that ultrasound a cyst was found. Not a tiny one either. This one is around the size of a golf ball. Nice! So instead of taking injections this month I get to take birth control. Crazy right? Seems a little strange. But it is the only thing that will shrink ovarian cysts. If you know me well you will know that I HATE birth control. I haven’t taken it for over 6 years. I feel terrible, I am cranky, and I gain weight.  I guess it isn’t any different then what the fertility drugs have been doing for me. But in a sense at least they are kind of productive in a way. So I am praying that it shrinks and that we can get back to the plans next month.

Where am I?

Have you been wondering where I am? I have been kinda wondering the same thing. Let’s just say that we have been on a crazy rollercoaster the past little while.

I have sat down at my computer countless times to write this lovely blog post but just haven’t had the energy. So in January we had our appointment at the Fertility Center. And can I say relief? Relief! It is so nice to have a doctor that will actually listen and be proactive. No wasting my time or theirs. As well as my money. I have gone through many docs the past 2 years and none have gotten me as far as this one has. So here is kind of a rough timeline of how things have gone

January 11th: Our First Appointment. First Ultrasound. Yes 1st. An internal one. Not a pleasant experience. No ovarian cysts. YAY! Started taking Prometrium (progesterone) for the…I don’t know how many-th time. Here comes the “fun” side effects.

January 12th: Handed over my money for the meds. Not cool!

January 26th: Aunt Flo arrives. YAY me!

January 27th: Ultrasound. Not pleasant. Remember who just came to visit? Cyst was found. Luckily small. Hopefully it won’t be causing problems. Blood Test.

January 28th: Clomid. Lots of it. “FUN” side effects again.

February 1st: HSG performed. Painful. Very painful. Tubes are clear. YAY! Confirmed by blood test that I have PCOS. Not the greatest news but I was prepared. As much as one can be. Paid first payment. Pray that we won’t be in the “red”.

February 6th: Ultrasound. No follicles. No ovulation this month. No baby. Resistant to Clomid. News that even more meds will be added to my regimen including 3 injections. No yay.

February 8th: Start Provera (progesterone).

February 21st: Get bill in the mail. Cry. Big. Crocodile. Tears.

So here I am today. Exhausted. Mentally, physically, and Emotionally. Prolly emotionally more than anything. I want nothing more to feel “normal” again. It is not fun what these meds do to me. How they make me feel. To describe just a little…It feels like you are pregnant. Full blown pregnancy symptoms but without a baby. Not fair. I know one day it will be worth it. But right now I am going to cry. I am going to scream. And I am going to curse. Yes. I do. Does it make me feel better. Yes sometimes. And I am ok with that.

In the meantime I am loving my 4 year old. Yes I have a 4 year old. He had a birthday amongst all this. {More on that later}. And I cried. I don’t like how fast he has grown. He is not a little baby anymore but my side kick. And I LOVE him.

My husband. Oh how I feel sorry for him. He has had to deal with rollercoaster me for far too long. I just love his shoulder that he offers for me to cry on.

My diet? What diet…? Yes that has gone down the toilet. boy was I loving the results while doing it though. I lost 13 lbs. Crazy right? After starting the meds though I was not feeling it. I was way too nauseous to eat “good” foods. I was way too sick to make meals. So I prolly have gained. Have I noticed? Not really. Do I care? Maybe just a little.

So here is to another month. Another month in this dreaded journey. The journey to continue our family.