After 2 1/2 years of heartbreak we are proud (and shocked) to announce. 

 

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"I love her!"

Somedays Tegan is the only thing that keeps me going. Keeps me happy. He gives me the motivation that I need to make it through the day. I am so very grateful that Heavenly Father sent him to us when he did.

The other night he walks into our bedroom with something very small in his hand. He walks up to us while looking in his hand and says, "I love her!". I then asked him who he loved. He then showed me what was in his hand. In his hand layed a small picture no larger than a quarter. It was a picture of a girl. A picture ripped from a magazine (is my guess) perfectly cut around her head. Random right? I then asked him why he loved her. He replied with, "Because she is happy and has a big smile. And she is pretty." He now has that picture of that girl or should I say woman, sitting on his nightstand.

Its things like this that make me smile and laugh. My life, our life, would be so boring without him.

I'm Sick Too...

Sometimes I am onery and just want to join the complainers. Not that their complaints are invalid. Mine aren't either.

I am not almost 9 months pregnant, actually far from it. But I sure feel like I am. The meds that I am taking in hopes that I will become pregnant make me super sick, super bloated, prevents me from losing weight, gives me really bad migraines, and makes me super ornery.

At least you are getting a baby out of your sickness. I'm not so lucky...

Not again…

Inside I really was hoping that my period wouldn’t come. That somehow I really was pregnant and the blood test was wrong. Well that didn’t happen.

I was a little anxious for another month to start. Excited that I FINALLY ovulated. But sad that I would have to wait yet another month. At least a month.

Well I get to wait even more. Another cyst was found. I was so excited while talking to my nurse as she told me before the transvaginal ultrasound that things were looking up. That since I finally ovulated that it was just a matter of time. Then the cyst was found and all the plans were put on hold yet again.

Another month of birth control. Another month of crazy me. Another month of migraines/headaches. Another month of waiting for a baby. I have never wanted anything more in my life than this.

I’ve got what?

This past cycle I was finally able to get back on track after the ovarian cysts. So first I started with Clomid. Nothing again. Then I took Femara. I like Femara much better than Clomid. The symptoms were very minimal and I didn’t go mentally crazy.

Shortly after taking the Femara I went to my fertility doc to have my ovaries all checked out to see if I had follicles. What are follicles? Follicles is where your eggs come from. They are very important. I haven’t had follicles for as long as we have been trying to conceive (TTC). Once again the nurse performed an internal ultrasound. Right ovary: Nothing. That is when my nurse yelled at my ovary. Yep. Yelled. Left ovary: Hallelujah! 3! Count them. Three follicles. I bawled. My nurse shed a few tears. Finally some kind of progress.

I was then taught how to give myself a HCG injection. HCG injections will force your body to release eggs. or in other words ovulate. My nerves started.

When the time came that night to give myself the injection I was crazy nervous. How in the world was I going to give myself a shot? I couldn’t do it. David ended up giving it to me. Then I realized that I forgot to mix the meds. Yep I just injected myself with just water. I was so relieved to have only injected with water and not some crazy amount of meds. So then David had to poke me again with the actual meds. Thank goodness it wasn’t as bad as I thought.

Then the time came to wait. 2 weeks! At 2 weeks the HCG has left your body and you can take a blood test to see if you are indeed pregnant. I am so glad I was so busy and that those 2 weeks went by so fast.

2 weeks was today. I couldn’t sleep last night. So nervous to find out the news. Trying to convince myself that I wouldn’t get upset with negative results.

Well it was negative. I tried to hold back the tears as my nurse continued to console me on the phone. Told me what the next plan was. I held them back until I hung up the phone. Then they came. Like a waterfall.

I am giving myself until the end of today to be upset. Hopefully it works out that way. Hopefully I can be strong.

So here is to another month of meds and crazy hormones.

Sick

Let me start out by saying that I HATE birth control. I have felt terrible and have been mean the entire time. Thank goodness I only had to take it for 3 weeks. Thank goodness the cysts shrunk!

So here I am on another month. This month I will finally start the injections. I have already started the Clomid. But of course the night before I started taking it (Friday) I got sick. Flu sick. Having the flu and having to take meds does not really work. I prayed that the vomit would just stop so I could start the Clomid in the morn. My prayers were answered. Now if only I could feel all better.

A What?

Well as you may know from my last post, last month was a total waste. Took Clomid and it didn’t work. It won’t ever work by itself. So the plan was for this month to pair it with some injections. I was kinda scared and nervous. Yesterday I had another ultrasound. Well during that ultrasound a cyst was found. Not a tiny one either. This one is around the size of a golf ball. Nice! So instead of taking injections this month I get to take birth control. Crazy right? Seems a little strange. But it is the only thing that will shrink ovarian cysts. If you know me well you will know that I HATE birth control. I haven’t taken it for over 6 years. I feel terrible, I am cranky, and I gain weight.  I guess it isn’t any different then what the fertility drugs have been doing for me. But in a sense at least they are kind of productive in a way. So I am praying that it shrinks and that we can get back to the plans next month.

Where am I?

Have you been wondering where I am? I have been kinda wondering the same thing. Let’s just say that we have been on a crazy rollercoaster the past little while.

I have sat down at my computer countless times to write this lovely blog post but just haven’t had the energy. So in January we had our appointment at the Fertility Center. And can I say relief? Relief! It is so nice to have a doctor that will actually listen and be proactive. No wasting my time or theirs. As well as my money. I have gone through many docs the past 2 years and none have gotten me as far as this one has. So here is kind of a rough timeline of how things have gone

January 11th: Our First Appointment. First Ultrasound. Yes 1st. An internal one. Not a pleasant experience. No ovarian cysts. YAY! Started taking Prometrium (progesterone) for the…I don’t know how many-th time. Here comes the “fun” side effects.

January 12th: Handed over my money for the meds. Not cool!

January 26th: Aunt Flo arrives. YAY me!

January 27th: Ultrasound. Not pleasant. Remember who just came to visit? Cyst was found. Luckily small. Hopefully it won’t be causing problems. Blood Test.

January 28th: Clomid. Lots of it. “FUN” side effects again.

February 1st: HSG performed. Painful. Very painful. Tubes are clear. YAY! Confirmed by blood test that I have PCOS. Not the greatest news but I was prepared. As much as one can be. Paid first payment. Pray that we won’t be in the “red”.

February 6th: Ultrasound. No follicles. No ovulation this month. No baby. Resistant to Clomid. News that even more meds will be added to my regimen including 3 injections. No yay.

February 8th: Start Provera (progesterone).

February 21st: Get bill in the mail. Cry. Big. Crocodile. Tears.

So here I am today. Exhausted. Mentally, physically, and Emotionally. Prolly emotionally more than anything. I want nothing more to feel “normal” again. It is not fun what these meds do to me. How they make me feel. To describe just a little…It feels like you are pregnant. Full blown pregnancy symptoms but without a baby. Not fair. I know one day it will be worth it. But right now I am going to cry. I am going to scream. And I am going to curse. Yes. I do. Does it make me feel better. Yes sometimes. And I am ok with that.

In the meantime I am loving my 4 year old. Yes I have a 4 year old. He had a birthday amongst all this. {More on that later}. And I cried. I don’t like how fast he has grown. He is not a little baby anymore but my side kick. And I LOVE him.

My husband. Oh how I feel sorry for him. He has had to deal with rollercoaster me for far too long. I just love his shoulder that he offers for me to cry on.

My diet? What diet…? Yes that has gone down the toilet. boy was I loving the results while doing it though. I lost 13 lbs. Crazy right? After starting the meds though I was not feeling it. I was way too nauseous to eat “good” foods. I was way too sick to make meals. So I prolly have gained. Have I noticed? Not really. Do I care? Maybe just a little.

So here is to another month. Another month in this dreaded journey. The journey to continue our family.

My breakfast for the next 2 weeks!

So for the next 2 weeks like mentioned before I get to have Pink drinks for breakfast. There are 3 different recipes and here is one that I tried today.

Pink Drink #1

1 cup almond milk

1 cup berries

1 scoop whey protein powder

2 tbl. hemp powder

Blend in a Blender. Yum!

It was a little hard to drink at first because of the texture of the powders but after I got started it is actually really good. And filling!

A New Year…A New ME

There is no doubt that the last 2 years have definitely been the hardest of my life. infertility sure does mess with you. Low self confidence, depression, weight gain, and of course crazy hormones. With all my internal problems I wasn’t realizing what was happening on the outside. I gained weight…lots of it. I am an emotional eater. So of course when I am down in the dumps I eat. I eat lots of yummy delicious treats. Everything I eat is pretty healthy but I like my ice cream, brownies and cake.

One day I was watching the Dr. Phil show. Which I rarely do. And they had a weight loss system that I thought I could totally do. Personally I have a problem with menus. I am just not organized enough (or not at all) so make up a menu every weeks to follow. Much less a healthy one.So when I found out that they had a blueprint to follow I knew I could do it. Well of course I checked it out and realized that I wouldn’t be able to afford it for a month. So a couple weeks later my mom called me to tell me that she ordered it. And not only that they accidentally sent her 2. She tried to be honest and send it back but they said to just keep it. So it is mine. And I couldn’t be more excited!

The system is called The P.I.N.K Method.

It is a diet and workout plan. Just what I needed. It is made just for women. It is also for fast weight loss. Just what I need.

You start out with the Reset. Or in other words a detox. Depending on how tall you are and how much you weigh determines how long you will be in the Reset. For me I will be doing it for 14 days. So for 14 days I can eat lean meats and seafood, “Pink Drinks” (for breakfast), and lots of veggies. And a few other things but that is about it. I had a yummy Pink Drink for breakfast and let me tell you…it was delicious! During the Reset you don’t work out but I might do just a little.

So here on my blog I will keep everyone updated with my progress.

I am embarrassed to do this but I will also post my stats and measurements. Then I will be held accountable.

So here they are…

Weight: 233.5 lbs.

Bust: 44 in.

Waist: 45 1/2 in.

Hips: 51 in.

Thighs: 27 in.

Arms: 16 in. (I decided to add this…I would like to see how skinny they get.)

Yep I am pretty grossed out. That is why I am making a change. I want to lose 70 lbs…..in 8 months. Totally possible!

I am so excited to see some progress!